On Accidental Saints and Made For Goodness - Week 2

On Perfection

I have to say, Nadia's chapter where she talked about the expectations of others really spoke to me. She said, "Maybe it's not only the leaders who think they should be perfect; maybe it's also their followers who expect them to have it all together."

I am totally guilty of this. Like, all-the-time guilty. I have high expectations of myself, and high expectations of others. I tend to know my friends well enough to love them and their imperfections. I love their snarky-ness, their sarcasm, their occasional falling-apart. I identify with all those things, and I do them myself. I know we're not perfect.

But I expect my leaders - in family, in church, at work - to be always forgiving, never snarky, never falling-apart. At least, not when I'm around. I have some amends to make, and I'll make them in person.

Desmond Tutu again echoes her: "As human beings, we hear in the command to be perfect a demand for flawlessness. But flawlessness is not the goal of God's invitation. ... Godly perfection is not flawlessness. Godly perfection is wholeness." I love him for saying this. I guess I have some work to do.

Desmond Tutu talks about practicing being good. He talks about how God gave us choice, but the choice really is ours, and it does take practice. I have to admit, this really confused me. Last week, he was saying that being good is something we are, not something we do, and now he's saying that we have to practice being good.

Not the Blessing

The other thing Nadia said that really struck me, was when she talked about how we are not the blessing that is bestowed upon others. I'm guilty of this one, too. Thinking that I will magnanimously step down from my ivory tower and bless people with my presence or my works. She points out that we are all both needy and needs-meeters. It was a difficult concept to wrap my head around. I think she's also saying that experiencing the need and the meeting of that need is to experience Jesus. It's not in the being needy or in the generosity - it's in the communion.

The Discussion Questions

1. 1. What is your Nineveh? Has God ever moved you to confront that thing, person, or event that you would rather avoid? What happened, and how did it feel?
   
   Not so much, on this one. I would say that the closest it comes is at work. As a team-lead, I was a great coach, mentor, cheer-leader. But I wasn't good at giving negative feedback or conducting sessions where I had to counsel someone on poor performance. I had to do it, and it felt awful. I'm still much better at "A for effort!" than I am at "these are the expectations. Let's find a way for you to start meeting them."
   
   
2. Have you ever felt like you were someone's "project" - as if they were trying to "minister" to you, yet somehow were serving themselves? How did it feel? Why is it so difficult for us to give to others without becoming self-important?
   
   Again, not so much. I've definitely been on the other side of that - believing that I could lead a youth group (I don't even like kids!) because I was young and energetic (I was) and I understood teenagers (nope. Not even when I was one). It was a gift I didn't and don't possess, and I failed miserably. I think we do better at ministration when it's in a way that comes more naturally.
   
   
3. (Summarizing) When you were young, did you believe that Godliness meant following a list of prohibitions? ...Has that rules-based messaging affected how you live and feel as an adult? Is there such a thing as "Godly living"? Is the lifestyle and personality of the Christian the primary focus of faith?
   
   Oh, yes. Christians don't smoke, drink, smoke pot, swear, have pre-marital sex. I know now those things aren't true, but when I was a teenager, I vacillated between believing that we are saved by faith and that we are saved by works. When I thought we are saved by works, I was super-puritan. When I thought we are saved by faith, I took it as a free pass - I'm already saved, I can do whatever the hell I want. Now, I think it's both. I do still believe that we should aim for a lifestyle that treats ourselves and those around us well. I know that as sinners, we'll fall short. But I do believe we should be trying.

How I Failed NaNoWriMo and Why I'm Okay With That

I entered NaNoWriMo with the rough beginning of a story in my head, but no real sense of who my characters were or how my plot would play out. I also had huge vacation plans for 10 days in November. Oh, and I'm not really a writer. I mean, I journal sometimes, and there's occasional clumsy attempts at poetry, but I've never actually written fiction. Not even short stories.

I learned a lot. I'm not sure I'll do this again any time soon, but maybe... If there's another piece of a story in me. Maybe I'll do a sequel.

I had taken Friday off work so I could finish it... but Thursday night, I did the math and realized that I had to write about 25,000 words in order to "win" by Friday at midnight. When I'm writing well, I'm at about 1,000 words per hour. 1,200 if I'm going a mile-a-minute and times are good. When I did the math, I realized I'd have to keep that 1,200 words per hour pace through Thursday night, all through Friday, miss the parent-teacher conferences I had scheduled for Friday, and not stop to eat longer than half an hour, working until almost midnight on Friday. That was never going to happen. So I got to sleep in, probably avoiding the cold I'm still fighting off.

That flat place is the day before vacation through a few days after vacation. The slow rise after that is where I listened to the voices.

What Went Wrong

1. No plot, no problem, my butt. I know there's a movement out there full of people who believe in letting the story write itself (they're called "pantsers"), but that doesn't work for me. It rambles. And there are severe eddies, where it's pretty obvious there's no exit plan.
2. There was this vacation thing... Vacations are great, and especially this one; I wouldn't have traded it for all the novels in the world. But, well, I could have done some writing on vacation. I mean really. Even 500 words a day might have been enough to let me win this one, if not also for number 1 above.
3. No character development. Or characters. I tried "pantsing it," but, like with the plot, it's hard to develop characters you don't actually know. The character sketch templates included with Scrivener (see below, in What Went Right) really aren't very detailed, and I didn't really think much at all about my characters, even after having started writing them.
4. Listening to the voices. The voices are like a little mini-form of depression, and depression lies. I don't mean to make light of depression here, or of novel writers. The same little voice that says, "You're already so far behind. Why fight the fail?" and, "Besides, this is crap and you know it." and, "Who are you, that you think anyone wants to read this drivel you're penning?" is the same voice that whispers things like, "You're not good enough" and, "You'll never be pretty. You never were." and, "No matter what you do, you know it's just going to fall apart." and all the other horrible things we tell ourselves in the darkness. Don't listen to any of the voices. They all lie. (We'll revisit this later in the post).

What Went Right

1. I got this awesome software called Scrivener. If you write fiction, I highly, highly recommend it. I don't write plays (though, I guess one could argue that I don't write fiction, either), but I can't imagine writing a play without using Scrivener. If I were to write non-fiction, I can't imagine a tool more appropriate than Scrivener. It practically does the writing for you. It has a place for research, places for notes, a nifty cork-board thing, pre-made templates, a great tutorial (one of the best software tutorials I have ever seen, and I've seen a lot), and it's a quick download and not very expensive to begin with. It really helped me organize my thoughts, and write more coherently.
2. I had a great beginning. Look at the first half of those numbers! I was ahead of schedule, and being really good about writing... up to a point, anyway.
3. I had some concept. I knew just enough to get a framework down - where the story would take place and what the basic premises of the story were.
4. The challenge words. This year was the 200th anniversary of the battle of 1812, and Maryland NaNos were challenged to use the names of the ships (Meteor, Devastation, Aetna, Terror, Volcano, and Erebus), the numbers 1812 and 200, and some of us opted to work "Sandy" into our works, too. This was super-fun, and solved the problem of coming up with quite a few names.
5. Having a Pinterest board for NaNoWriMo. This was a source of motivation and a place to put tips and tricks I wanted to save for later. Wish I had started it sooner, though.

Different For Next Time

1. I'll find my old AD&D character sheets and use those as a basis for coming up with characters. Or I'll find something like them online (actually, that website I linked to has some downloadable PDFs. And Scrivener supports PDFs. Hmm).
2. I'll start coming up with characters and a plot in October. Or sooner. With an outline. Or at least a short list of basic plot elements.
3. I'll attend more write-ins. But not with the Things. Those were great for silent, focused time, when I didn't have to get up to let cats in and out constantly, or break up fights between the Things, or answer questions about who's been on the computer longest and when is dinner.
4. I'll shut those voices down by staying ahead of schedule (and not trying to do NaNoWriMo in years when there's a big vacation planned). I'll use the pep-talks and the things I posted to Pinterest to shut those voices up. I'll get better about recognizing those voices, so I know when I need to go get some motivation. 
5. I'll take a creative writing class? Maybe go through the high-school version of the work-book from the Young Writers Program.

Way Forward

So, what do I do with 25,367 words of unfinished novel? Well, first thing, I'll do some thinking about this plot I don't have and the characters involved. If I stick with this, even just a little bit (not necessarily 1,667 words per day), I can finish it within the next few months and then start trimming out all those eddies, and firming up my characters and revising, revising, revising. 

If it ever gets published, you'll be the second to know. And in the mean-time, I'll do some guilt-free knitting and some guilt-free spinning and some guilt-free reading.

How to Love Your Luxury Beater

Ok, so, I've got this love/hate relationship with my car. It doesn't like to start; it makes funny smells (kind of like burning wood? It's probably wood-burning stoves. In several neighborhoods. And only when we take MY car. And only in the summer. Right.); it screams (bye-bye, rear axel. It was nice having you); and recently the panel that houses the switch for the moon roof fell off (it's tucked up above the passenger visor); and the AC seems to work only occasionally. But the leather seats are still smooth and comfy; the leather steering wheel makes my fingers sing; the heating in my seats still (mostly) works; the moon roof still responds to the switch; and I can still red-line the engine when I want to (though I've been trying not to lately).

So, since the interior of the car is black, and the AC is (to steal my SIL's line) a Unionized French beast (it works every other Tuesday and Thursday, except when those days are preceded or followed by a holiday, for approximately 15 minutes at a time, unless conditions are unhealthily warm), I've been loving the moon roof.

Since I haven't blown these speakers (yet), I get off work in the evening, hop in my car (just like Don Johnson, only, I open the door first), roll down the windows, open the roof and blast Georgia Public Radio (ok, or the local pop station). I arrive home sweaty, sticky, slightly more tan in all the wrong places, tired, wind-blown, and oddly refreshed. The loose ceiling covering even ripples and reminds me of seeing the ocean in my rear-view mirror. Does it get any better than this?

Emergency Knitting!

I used to think I could crochet. Back when I thought this, and I was pregnant, I did crochet. I glanced at a baby blanket pattern, which called for two strands of yarn held together, and decided to make my own version. I got some fingering-weight acrylic with a good amount of shine - two skeins in New Mint and two in White. I started out with double crochet and went to town. The only problem was, I had a bad eye for proportions, a touch of laziness in crocheting, and absolutely no ability to turn my work correctly. The result was a long skinny piece of material with wavey edges. In hopes of evening it out a bit, I picked one wavey side, and crocheted along the edge for several rows in single-crochet. It was a wreck and by the time I finished, the baby had already been born. This is why I knit.

So, naturally it was this monstrosity of a blankie that my new daughter decided was The Blankie. She named it (him) Blankily, and took him everywhere.

So, there we were waiting for The Runner to finish his Thanksgiving day marathon, on the sidewalk near the Olympic gate in Atlanta, about 150 feet up from the finish line.


I told the children that they could run alongside their father when they saw him, but we had arrived a little early. The kids sat on the curb and busied themselves cracking acorns to see the meat inside. When I spotted The Runner, I told the kids to get ready. We mostly kept up until the finish line.


The Runner passed out some JellyBelly Sports Beans he had been given, had tried, had not liked, and the kids scarfed them up. They're like really gooey blue jelly beans. The Runner grabbed some of the fruit that was provided by the Atlanta Track Club, took a little breather, collected his belongings, and we headed back to Nana's house.


That night, she asked for Blankily. We looked a bit, then I had the idea to check my camera, since I knew she had brought him to the race.


So, I was fortunate to find one skein of New Mint and most of a skein of White from seven years ago stuffed in the bottom drawer of my Stash (thank you, yarn gods!!) and am knitting like mad. The Runner thinks I can get it done by tomorrow night. I don't think there's enough yarn left. I think I will run out of yarn and have to frog it out and make it narrower and start over. I think even if I don't, there's no way I'll be able to get it done by tomorrow night.